honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
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life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.