This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
You Might Also Like
This is the one
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Denise please return my vape pen
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?