We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
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If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Chicken bread
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”