Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
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My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Respect
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”