Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

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[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further


Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.


Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.


Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?


if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it


Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans


Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.


me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest


At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”


Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.