@Miciura

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

@Shadez

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

@TheDjinnTrials

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

@TheBoydP

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

@ManInTheHoody

if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it

@goodbeanjokes

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

@quietlybiased

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

@climaxximus

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

@tonyhawk

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

@SamGrittner

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.