Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
You Might Also Like
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
That’s incredible! 👌
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts