Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
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You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I want to meet the individual who made this
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Thrilling chase underway