Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
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Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
A small tragedy.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*