[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Honey can you pick up some bananas, melons, peaches, eggplants and clams at the Innuendo Market?
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Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
There are rumours floating around that Canada’s Prime Minister isn’t a nice guy.
They’re not Trudeau.
I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain’t no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell