[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
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Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey