“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

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Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me


moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend


-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…


When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.


Ugh your paleontologist friend is coming? He’s so boring!

Don’t worry, I have a plan to keep him distracted

*pulls out seven layer dip*


I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.


*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet


Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now


*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*