“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
This will never not be funny 😭
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.