@BuckyIsotope

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

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@girl_a_whirl

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

@frogpissmouth

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

@samalmightysam

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

@BGH70

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

@thenatewolf

Ugh your paleontologist friend is coming? He’s so boring!

Don’t worry, I have a plan to keep him distracted

*pulls out seven layer dip*

@Xoolun

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.

@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

@fro_vo

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

@Brianhopecomedy

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*