@DanMentos

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

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@pisscop

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS ??? ???????? ?????? ?? ???? ???? LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

@StymieBrewer

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

@PopSlapFunk

When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…

*lowers shades*

…Dutch Coven.

@KimmyMonte

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

@blade_funner

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

@sisabet

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

@ScubavelliDeux

*finally convinces self to date again as there are plenty of fish in the sea*

Fish: I have a koi friend.

@ozzyunc

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

@OddMarc

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.