“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
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remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.