Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
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How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Ion see the issue
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face