“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
December birthdays be like…
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Only Americans understand
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.