Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
two people or more is called a problem
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
the greatest twitter interaction
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.