Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.


A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun


The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.


I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.


When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?


[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses


Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”