Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
can’t talk my ride’s here
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.