@weinerdog4life

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

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@1800Randy

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

@2Saddington

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

@TheBoydP

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

@robdelaney

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

@Robert_Beau

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

@fro_vo

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

@jlock17

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”