@SequelsWeWant

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

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@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

@Playing_Dad

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

@Parkerlawyer

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

@SilverCricket9

#HowToEscapeADate
No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”

@torrami

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

@Vodkantots

Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that’s been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11.

@TheCatWhisprer

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

@Xalqee

My wife once told me ” Mike you’re the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms”, which pissed me off because my names not Mike