Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
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[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.