honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.