Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
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IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
At least my masseuse has my back.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds