@AdamGrinchyPoo

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

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@miffedmim

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [doing crossword] root veggie; 4 letters

Wife: beet

Me: French she; 4 letters

Wife: elle

Me: orange drink; 5 letters

Wife: juice

Me: bumble; 3 letters

Wife: bee

Me: speak; 4 letters

Wife: tell

Me: OJ Simpson; 5 letters

Wife: Juice

Me: bug; 6 l-

Wife: oh hell no.

@mom_ontherocks

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

@SarahhMcCaff

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

@sageboggs

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

@hyperblastchic

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

@TwatWaffler69

You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.

You don’t stand a chance.

@NottaBigDeal

I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn’t want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.

@juliussharpe

If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they’d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.