“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.


Me: [doing crossword] root veggie; 4 letters

Wife: beet

Me: French she; 4 letters

Wife: elle

Me: orange drink; 5 letters

Wife: juice

Me: bumble; 3 letters

Wife: bee

Me: speak; 4 letters

Wife: tell

Me: OJ Simpson; 5 letters

Wife: Juice

Me: bug; 6 l-

Wife: oh hell no.


Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?


i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao


Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business


My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.


You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.

You don’t stand a chance.


I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn’t want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.


If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they’d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.