It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
As I mentally undress you my OCD kicks in and I mentally fold all your clothes.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
God: We need to create something Magical
Angel: Yes, Sir
G: Call it Unicorn
A: *Tries and fails
G: Call it rhinoceros
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud