@DaddyJew

Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?

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@KrazykurtKurt

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

@DurtMcHurtt

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

@neiltyson

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

@ThatRascalPuff

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

@Birdhumms

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

@goodthyngs

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

@AceMakesWords

“Dad, we need to talk.” “Alright.” He grabs a chair and sits. “Dad, you-” He grabs yet another chair. “DAMMIT DAD YOU’RE ADDICTED TO CHAIRS”

@ericsshadow

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

@simoncholland

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car