I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
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I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.