Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?

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When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.


I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.


Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.


You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.


No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*


A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids


Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.


“Dad, we need to talk.” “Alright.” He grabs a chair and sits. “Dad, you-” He grabs yet another chair. “DAMMIT DAD YOU’RE ADDICTED TO CHAIRS”


My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.


[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car