Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
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“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’
Live & learn, guys.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
“Jesus is here”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
wanna feel old? this is eminem now:
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses