“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”