Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My teenage children choosing violence
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.