“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
You Might Also Like
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE