“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
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Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?