“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
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Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
lol
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏