Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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‘maybe the world wasn’t ready for pizza perfume’ i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.
ok dont let them know i stalked them online
them: my aunt–
me: theresa or sharon