@internetluke

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

@hippieswordfish

‘maybe the world wasn’t ready for pizza perfume’ i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

@Plurmo

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

@AndyAsAdjective

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

@daemonic3

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

@ClichedOut

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

@RandomlyMJ

Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.

@garyfromteenmom

[first date]
ok dont let them know i stalked them online
them: my aunt–
me: theresa or sharon