Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?
Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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All the time.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.