@internetluke

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

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@VenisVal

Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?

Boss: Today!

@daemonic3

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

@Boba_Photo

$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.

@Adyaces

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

@TheToddWilliams

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

@ShesAllNat

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

@GrillinChillin9

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

@thevirtualidiot

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.