Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
“and how does that make you feel?”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
is it earth
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.