-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
You Might Also Like
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
This could be us but you eatin’
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*