Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
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“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum