@PinkCamoTO: Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?
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@jabba_jabba_jaw: Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go? God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.
@KentWGraham: Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
@AngelaEhh: My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge. I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.