“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
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My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
barbara was highly relatable
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
This hospital has everything
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction