Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
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Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
Just ordered some cops for my neighbours.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My ex-wife’s wedding was last weekend, so I sent a cardboard cut-out of myself holding a cardboard cut-out of a wedding present.
the only exercise this month ive done is running out of money