@buttcrunchy

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

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@gneicco

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

@Jake_Vig

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

@Eden_Eats

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

@Wine_Honey1

These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.

@MissSassy_Pants

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

@realHamOnWry

My ex-wife’s wedding was last weekend, so I sent a cardboard cut-out of myself holding a cardboard cut-out of a wedding present.