Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
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Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*