Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

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dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor


I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.


I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”


This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths


“Your résume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?”
*flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts*
“Grad school.”


You may be too old for her if she asks you what your kink is and you immediately think of your knees and your back.


*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*


[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.


Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.