@jess_stratton

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

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@saramorseyy

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

@Darlainky

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

@ClickBaite

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

@IvyelleWright

This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths

@87bidi

“Your résume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?”
*flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts*
“Grad school.”

@tsm560

You may be too old for her if she asks you what your kink is and you immediately think of your knees and your back.

@fro_vo

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

@carlyken

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.