Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
#Caturday
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote