“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
You Might Also Like
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house