Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?
[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]
Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
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As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.