…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

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Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?

[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]

Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”


As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.


Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.


If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.


My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.


I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”


*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.


Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good


A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.