Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
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Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.