They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
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With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
This is Sparta
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.