Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
you have three unread messages
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.