I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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Just gonna leave this here.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier