Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
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Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
The Assassin.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My life in a nutshell