Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
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Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?