@_youhadonejob1

Hope I got my ticket….

You Might Also Like

@catstronomical

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

@simoncholland

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

@Fickle_Filly

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

@carlyken

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

@ChaseMit

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

@TheCatWhisprer

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.