Hope I got my ticket….

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him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!


Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.


I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.


Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.


“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent


WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon


Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.