Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
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If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.