Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?