Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
You Might Also Like
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.