Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not