HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
MOM: same

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i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo


My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.


THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure


INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference


“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.


Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon


me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*


Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.


Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.