i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
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My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.