@fro_vo

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

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@gothtitty

i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

@3sunzzz

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

@nbadag

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

@clichedout

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

@Laser_Cat

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

@TuffyNyC

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

@CAshmanActor

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

@Breadery

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

@Izianikapani

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.