According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
When libraries troll their patrons.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.