me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
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Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Well, this is awkward
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.