Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
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Namaste
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*