Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
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Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count