@Home_Halfway

[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]

PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing

ME: My heart on my sleeve

PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark

ME: Oh no, you’re bad

PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink

ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia

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@AndyAsAdjective

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

@holypurgatory

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

@infamousone96

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

@MarfSalvador

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

@juliecursively

HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

@bea_ker

You wanna see the most dangerous animal in the world mate? Go look in the mirror.

(I’ve locked an adult male puma in their bathroom)

@Kris_Florio

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

@Deno_Tron

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard