Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
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Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy