@Home_Halfway

[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]

PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing

ME: My heart on my sleeve

PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark

ME: Oh no, you’re bad

PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink

ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia

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@HomeProbably

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

@smithsara79

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

@Swishergirl24

My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

@HatfieldAnne

Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who’s hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now.

@Lisa_Laughs_

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

@iLikeCatShirts

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

@Fred_Delicious

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]