Software Development ⛵️
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*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I self medicate, therefore you live.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
do what now??
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary